Bring Back Big Families

Our family has what I consider to be a fairly unique tradition: date nights. And I already know what you’re thinking that means, that my wife and I go on dates regularly to “keep the spark alive” or some such jazz. And you’d be 100% wrong.

Not that my wife and I don’t go on date nights because we do on occasion. We just don’t do them regularly because we understand, as all parents should, that, as soon as you introduce kids into the family, as soon as the two become one, your wants and desires take a back seat to the needs of your children.

In a big family, this becomes even more important because the needs of each child become more apparent as you add more kids to the mix. What I mean by that is that each new child represents a smaller amount of individualized attention that can be paid to each child. It’s not intentional; we would never purposely give one kids less attention than the other. But when they outnumber you (almost) 3:1, it’s bound to happen.

And it is a constant struggle for us, one we wrestled with as soon as the kids outnumbered us. We knew we had to ensure that each one of them still got that one-on-one time with each one of us. We knew the importance of that from being educators. All kids crave individualized attention. Some just do it in ways that aren’t as desirable. And we never wanted any of our kids to miss out on that one-on-one time or have to become one of those kids that seeks attention in misguided ways.

To combat this, a few years ago, we implemented date nights to our family. These date nights consist of each child having a date with each parent on a rotating schedule. As parents, we rotate in four week shifts/periods right now since only the oldest four go on date nights.

What it looks like is, when it’s my rotation, I schedule a date with each one of my kids on consecutive weeks until all four have had an individual date with me in a four week span, one date per week. When I have done all four, then my wife takes them all over the next four weeks.

The kids are in almost complete control of what we do on the date. I created a menu of date night options for them to choose from, with all options costing around $10. This fits our budget nicely and still allows for a really nice night out just to spend some carefree time one-on-one with each of them.

Some of the menu items they can choose from are things like:

• going to Baskin Robbins for ice cream and then to a park to play on the playground
• grabbing a snack and drink from the mall and then window shopping or buying a small treat if they haven’t spent their full $10 on a snack
• getting popcorn and an ICEE from Target and looking up and down the toy aisles or book aisles or the whole store, whatever they choose
• grabbing a milkshake and heading downtown for a walk or just a drive around town
• going to Peter Piper Pizza or Chuck E. Cheese and getting a game card to play games together (just did this one tonight with my oldest boy)
• going to a local store and picking out a $10 toy to play with
• going to the local batting cages and getting some swings in (we are a baseball family, after all: see Nine: Family Fun)

These are just a sampling of some of our dates from the menu. The kids all get super excited for their date night and start thinking weeks in advance about what and where their date is going to be. We sometimes may have to override their choices if time is short or if the weather is going to be bad or what have you, but, for the most part, they control what we do.

Some weeks, it takes a lot of shuffling to make sure we can fit an hour and a half in for a date, but we always manage to make it work. It is a priority for us, a non-negotiable if you will, so we just find a way to make it work. Too many times people make excuses for why they don’t do this or that or the other. My take on it is, if something is a priority in your life, you will do whatever it takes to make it happen. That applies to so much more than just these date nights (and may very well be its own post one day).

Are there weeks when we are exhausted and just want to relax after long, stressful days in the classroom? You betcha there are. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I won’t have the energy to make it through the date when we first leave the house (tonight being one of them). But by the end of the date, seeing the joy that it has brought to them and getting to enjoy just being with them, even if it is something as simple as going out for a milkshake and a drive around town with Mom or Dad, has an immeasurable effect on me. For as much as they enjoy their dates, I think we enjoy them as much as they do as it’s a simple way for us to connect with each of our kids individually for only a small monetary and time investment. One and half hours a week and $10 is a small investment to be made for memories that will last forever.

So, whether you have one kid or six (or more), I can’t begin to tell you how much having these date nights will mean to your family. You certainly don’t have to use our formula or ideas, but instituting some type of family date night routine where each kid gets individualized, one-on-one time with mom and dad separately will be well worth whatever sacrifices you may have to make to make them happen.

So that’s my challenge to parents. Go on dates with your kids and do it often, especially when they’re little. The time spent will never be wasted. They’re only little once. Make the most of it with date nights.