Bring Back Big Families

Ever feel like you’re playing zone defense with your kids, still losing, and drowning in dad guilt? Here’s my take as a dad of five (six any day now).

I read a story recently about a dad who shared his breakdown in his car on TikTok, freaking out about going from one kid to two, and it blew up with parents feeling him.

Here’s the story if you want to read it before going on: Dad Breakdown.

I, too, feel him. I understand his dilemma because I face it daily. As a dad of five (six in just a few days), I feel as though I have some expertise on the topic. So, here is my take, in just a few points, on what he is dealing with:

The Zone Defense Shift

Going from one to two is really nothing. Once you go from two to three, that’s when it gets really interesting. The best analogy I’ve ever heard was a sports one. With two kids, you’re playing man-to-man coverage, one parent per child. Easy. After that, it’s all zone coverage, shifting one parent to where the trouble is (because with kids, there’s always trouble somewhere). Your defense has to shift. That’s when the real transition happens.

Siblings as Superheroes

The article mentions, “The overwhelming guilt of splitting yourself in two.” I know what that feels like, but the silver lining in the additional child is that your children will never be alone. They will always have someone there for them even if you’ve already split yourself into two (or three or four or five or six….), the sibling(s) will be there for them, too. When I’m cooking and my wife is sneaking in laundry, someone always has a problem. When it happens, our oldest is usually there to investigate and intervene. She’s got the big sister/little momma job down pat. And the boys all look up to her for it, even if they don’t always see eye-to-eye. Seeing as how they’re all literally a part of you, you are always there with them when they are with a sibling, or having to share you with a sibling, however you want to view it.

The Enough Paradox

I hate to break it to parents, but the following part is literally in the job description: being a parent is hard work. It doesn’t matter if it’s one kid or five kids, being a parent takes constant hard work. The hours spent at work tax your energy on top of the hours at home trying to balance being dad and husband and dishwasher and cook and butt wiper and head janitor and disciplinarian and homework helper and putter to sleeper on and on. It never really ends, even when they are “sleeping,” so your nerves are always on edge. Add in another kid on top of your first, and your already frayed mind goes to these odd places that you’re not doing enough.

Here’s what this dad, and lots of other parents, is missing, in my humble opinion: it’s always going to be simultaneously never enough and always enough. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to split yourself into as many pieces as you need to be, no matter how many hours you put into being Superdad or Supermom, it’s never, ever going to be enough.

But (there’s always a but) if you’re simply there for both of them (or all five of them), then it is enough. And it always will be enough. Just be there.

Parenting is never enough and always enough—just be there.

That’s enough.

And that’s the bottom line (“’cause Stone Cold said so.” Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)

How do you survive the parenting guilt or chaos of multiple kids? Drop your story in the comments or share this with a fellow parent who gets it!